Who Am I?

Hi. I just figured to share here how I met Jesus.

I was a Roman Catholic.

At the age of 5, I started my first schooling, at a Christian School.

As far as I know, the only reason I was enrolled there, was because my grandparents knew the owner of the school.

And also because, it was near our house.
Yes. Providence. :)

That is how my faith was moulded, in that, at a young age, it was instilled into me that there is one God and He has a Son named Jesus and they are both good and kind. 
I thought the Holy Spirit was  air or breeze. Hahaha.  I never knew that He is God until I got in college at the age of 17.

I was transferred to a public school because I have not taken my first communion yet , since the school was a christian school.

It was not until I got older  that it made me question things. Like when we were taught the rosary, why do we pray to her?
She is not God. She is not God's wife. I knew she was Jesus' mother but I also know she can't be God's wife.

I never knew what her role was, exactly, if we ought to pray to her.
And having studied a little from the Bible, I knew that God forbid that we pray to others.

When I ask my relatives why, they just tell me that it is because Mary is very close to Jesus and Jesus always  hears her and that we can ask Mary to speak to Jesus for us.

Hmm. It confused me. But actually I hated that answer, because, deep inside,
I want to be close to Jesus too, why can't I talk to Jesus myself?

So I knew praying to anyone other than God, was wrong and yet, I can't say that to my family, lest they scold me for even meddling with those stuff.
So I let it go.

But I've always prayed to Jesus or His Father only. My reason was, they know what is in my heart anyways, that I only want to worship them.

As with the church, I remember sleeping during Sunday masses. If I don't sleep, I will daydream while the priest is speaking.
I never liked church. They felt such an obligation. I  even find reason to skip church.

Don't get me wrong.
I liked Jesus, or the idea of Him. Maybe I respected Him, but not love. He was away, remember? Only those good people can be near Him. He looked sweet to me but I knew I was wicked, so I felt as if He will not come near me.

But I have always prayed to Him as if Jesus and I were siblings;
and to God as if He was my real father. I preferred speaking my own words rather than memorizing prayers.

Also, since I went to a Christian school, I have had my very old King James Bible. I used it at school when we had to. Yes, it was a King James. Maybe an ACCIDENT? Hehe.

I remember that I used it to read from Psalms , Proverbs and John, whenever I am lonely and feel depressed. They were the only books I can understand.

When I got pass John 15:18, I made it my motto. Yes. My motto! 

I remember meeting Christians who would out of nowhere talk to you.
Saying that God loves you.. Blah blah… I think they were preaching the gospel to me, many times. But I never minded them. I can't wait for them to finish.  I even avoided  them. God was the last thing that I would think about.

Then I was 19 years old, it's been a year ago... when someone from facebook messaged me. He said, "You are so beautiful, do you have a boyfriend?" 

[Oh this cannot be good…]

Seeing  this guy had been one of my friends on FB made me curious. How did this guy become my friend and not knowing about it?
He is half asian and  was kind of cute so I played along a little and chatted with him .
I thanked him but said that I had no boyfriend. I reasoned that no one would even be interested.

He lives in Chicago. He is half Japanese half American.  He is my type. Asian, small eyes… I 'WAS' interested. 

Then He quoted Proverbs 31:30 to me.

30   Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

Wow. He reads the Bible! I thought. So I shared to him my favourite verse. My motto.

He asked me of which Version of the bible I took that from because he said that it was the first time he had seen the verse that way.

Version? What is that?
Then I saw my bible's front page : 'The King James Version.' 

We chatted about religion and about life and all things on earth.

He was the one who told me to just keep reading my Bible. And I did.
I wanted to read it so that we will have more things to talk about.
And also because it seemed good for me to.
That time, reading the bible was never because I wanted to seek Him.

I have not gotten past 5 pages when I figured that this version of my Bible is old and hard to understand.  I thought of replacing it with a modern version. 

Then one day, Friday, my mom and I were supposed to buy groceries. She said the night before, that we will move it on Sunday. I agreed.

Yet that same day, Friday, weirdly, I still went to the grocery store and texted her to meet me there. She scolded me. "Why are you there?! Didn't I tell you that we'll do it on Sunday?"

I had no choice but to go home. But seeing I was already there, [and I loved books, ] I went inside a bookstore before heading home.

As I was walking inside, my eyes flashed towards the Bibles on a shelf.

It made me remember how I wanted to replace my Bible with a newer one.
As I was checking through those Bibles I saw that my motto verse [john 15:18] is stated differently in NIV so I changed my mind of even replacing it.

On that same shelf, I noticed a little book, a very tiny one, it was a simple-looking book, nothing too special in the cover to make me want to see it.

But I picked it up and started reading.

The book was entitled, "From Jesus with love".. It was a devotional book.

I got carried away reading it and finished it there. It was a thin book.

The book said,

"I love you... It is by no accident that you are here now…. I know you love me, you just haven't realized it yet.
I know that for you are mine and I am yours….

I can hear you. I am always beside you. I have always been with you… Rest in me and I will comfort you…..

I know it is hard for you to imagine and talk to person you do not see with your eyes,  but imagine me beside you because that is where I am.
I love  you."

These are some of the words that I read in the book. There were a lot more in there but those were the ones that stayed on my mind.

On my way home, riding a jeepney, all the words flashed back inside my mind. I recalled them one by one.

Then I prayed. |

"Really? I love you? I am yours, huh? …. Okay… If you can hear me and you are here beside me…. Can you please just hug me now?"

There it was.

 Peace.

 I have never felt like that before.

"Fight for me.." I felt a voice inside me say. Or was it just me?

I was overwhelmed by the emotion. I even thought He was indeed hugging me. I cried  real tears inside the public vehicle! I was glad no one noticed me there crying.

Why did I cry? What was that? What did I feel? Was it because I was expecting Him to do something that made me think that  I felt something? Or did I really feel whatever it was. Who was that? Am I insane? What have I done?

But really..

I felt loved. 

I felt as if I was not alone.

Then as I got home, I spread over the bed and got my laptop and typed in.

"How do God talk to people..?" and hit enter.

I read that God talked to people through the Bible, through other people and even through "a still small voice".
But whatever you discern it has to agree with the Bible.

Then I began to research about who God really is, if there is even a God, who is Jesus? What is the Holy Spirit, is IT even a HE?

I found myself interested to know more about God. I was crazy about Him.

Then I knew I had to read the Bible. What shall I do. I cant understand this old King James and it is the only Bible I have. I refuse the new ones because my John 15:18 is different. [The only reason why I sticked with my KJV was because of my personal preferences!]

Then one afternoon as I do my usual research on the net about who God is, I tried to find a Bible Version where my John 15:18 is stated how I want it. I failed to find one.

 Then I came to read  a website that explained the difference between THY, THINE, THOU, YOU and YE, est, eth.
And it worked! I can understand my KJV now!

I don't have to replace it anymore! Yehey!

Then I read through it. From Genesis to revelation in two months.

When I got to the book of Romans, that's when I understood.
It all made sense!

The cross that I always hear, the death that I believe He died, it all made sense to me now.
The sins that I cannot deny, the punishment that I was aware of, and the love of God are all connected now.

I am going to heaven, just like that? He died that horrific death for me?

And I don't get to do anything???!!!

AH, Jesus… let me love You! 

That was the start of my church hunt which I started last year.
I contacted some friends that I knew were Christians. I asked them to take me to their church and invite me over.

They were all surprised. They said they always had to beg people to come to church with them, and yet they see me, inviting myself in, begging them to take me.

The first church I have been in was my friend's church and it was VERY far.
But I tried to endure the 2 hour trip. I needed to know more. I feel like  I do not know enough. Then she said I should start looking for a nearer church. Also her church does not use King James, it was not an issue for me before unlike now.

I did search for a church again.

I remember when I knew it was time to tell my family that I will stop attending their mass, they were furious. They even told me, "If you will not obey us and you won't stop going there, then don't live in this house!!!"

That was scary. But the Lord is gracious to make their hearts soft and to accept that I will not come back to their religion.
I still live with them but they refuse to hear me. I have shared the gospel to them but I think, like I have been "deaf" before, they don't get to really "hear" it.

Started to email and message some friends. Saw one high school friend online  and I asked if she was Christian and she said yes .

I  begged her to take me with her but she said, her church is far.

But she recommended a church to me, though.
A megachurch, inside malls. She told me, a friend of ours also goes there.

Then I went there, with this friend and he asked me of my testimony right away . Then I told him this same story I am telling.

He introduced me to his friend . I shared my story to her again and when she told me that she had experienced almost the same thing; intense passion for the bible, love for Jesus, peaceful mood,
I was so glad that I was not alone and I was not insane!

I never imagined anyone can love God like this! It is so uncommon.

I was worried because I really feet like I love Jesus so much that I will die if I don’t get to be with Him after this life. [literally and figuratively..]

Both of them helped me decide which  church to attend to.

I was deciding between two megachurches. And ended up with the one I used to attend.

That church will teach you a booklet, with six chapters before you get baptised.

I was supposed to be baptised 2-3 times, supposedly, but, due to unexpected situations, I had to postpone it over and over again. I understand now why.

From the moment I understood the gospel, up to now, I have been aware of the issue between KJV and modern versions. I chose KJV but because of personal reasons. I preferred it. I loved it. I am used to it.

But understanding the point that KJV users point out, I loved KJV more. It made me grab and hold on tighter to my bible.
I hated how MV degrade and replace Jesus' name with 'he'. Or things like that.

The Lord has been pointing out to me, several things that are wrong in that church.
I was shocked when I first heard them speak in tongues or whatever it was they were doing.

When I first attended a prayer and fasting, I was wondering why these people asked  for material and earthly things. I mean, I know we have needs and desires. But pray and fast for a husband? A wife? A job? A car? A business?
Can't you see that those are vanity? This world is dying?

Isn't Jesus enough?

We will die eventually so why worry on things down here. We will live with Him there!

Seeing how I have been having these thoughts, I was convicted of judging them so much.

I heard someone initiated an altar call, and invited people to pray "the prayer of salvation" . That is what he called it.

Which made me think, Lord, do I have to pray that?

Then I saw how loud teenagers sing during youth services. Then seeing them chatting with seatmates during preaching made me sad.

I even heard someone call a woman,  Pastor.
Having read Timothy  I know that it is forbidden, right?

When I try to question about such things, like the speaking in tongues, the fasting, the way of preaching the gospel, the only answer that I get is that cannot know all things or just let go and let God. God is in control so just let Him.

When I try to point out the errors of Modern Versions , they'll answer me with a "There is no perfect Bible translation because it is translated by men. Also, there is no perfect interpretation of the bible. "

I refuse to believe that one because 1 John 2:27 says otherwise.

But I wanted to understand them. I wanted to stay there and I wanted to ask the Lord to help me understand what they mean and what they're after.
Verses like 1 Timothy 1:5, I john 2:9, Romans 13:10, Romans 14:22, Matthew 7:1-5, or any verse  that emphasizes charity and unity as the focus of life, makes me question myself.

I also questioned my salvation because I was always grievous about my sins knowing how one second of not loving God with all you heart is a sin already.

And how I always fall short and always stumble and fall, while I see other christians whose greatest concerns were all about their studies, their financial issues, jobs and career paths..etc.

I judged others because I felt as if they don’t treasure Jesus very much
which made me condemn myself because I judged the brethren.

I have been a Christian for a year and have not been baptised.

The idea of leaving and pursuing pure biblical doctrine has entered my mind for many times but I wanted to check my heart if it was just me whose overthinking things.

Until 3 months ago, I just could not take it. I have to be in a church who follows all that the Bible says, or at least try to follow it and live a holy life.

I Tried to research about denominations and groups who use King James too.
 I got to see a lot of websites, social networks of Christians and blogs and I figured that  I can get information from them.

I stumbled across a forum/network called onlinebaptist.com and asked for help to find a church.

They welcomed me and pointed me to some churches but those churches are so far that some requires me to ride a boat, to ride a 3-4 hour bus ride or to ride a plane.

I got so tired. I am so tired.

Whenever I open about how I struggle to my small group,

I feel as if I am too legalistic.

Until I just got so tired because I have no one else to talk to that understands me. I just cant understand why I always slide back  to legalism. [I always hated the way they preach the gospel. Why not point to people that they are wicked and hopeless.?]

I started blaming God. I slid to licentiousness.

I told Him that I never get to understand what I was to do, I always go too far and slide to being legalistic whenever I say that I hate other translations and even on other things. I was even told that I was too harsh when I preach the gospel.

I rebelled and did things I was not supposed to. Watch movies with ungodly things, stopped reading the Bible.

I knew I did that so that He'd correct me. I was like a kid seeking his parents attention by pulling tantrums.

But I just saw His grace every morning and I can't help it. I need Him. I can't rebel any further.  I repented and so, the issue of finding a biblical church haunted me again.

Then I accidentally pressed on a tab,  opening  a bookmarked website: OnlineBaptist.com

Days before that , I have decided not to pursue a different church anymore   seeing I cannot find a perfect one. Like some of my friends at church tells me.

But someone messaged me from that site and was suggesting me a church. I took the chance and read through their recommendations. That made me want to check out my account there again.

Some topics and posts there made me curious. I even asked on my own topic, a question about seeker sensitive churches.

Many answered the thread. I had answers from a lot of people.
Then I thought about asking someone to help me from those who posted there.
I wrote a message and when I was about to put a recipient, I tried to remember the names of those who answered my post but I only remembered one name 'No Nicolaitans". And that is how I get to message Bro Dan.

I have no idea why I chose to message him.

His username was the easiest to remember, others' have numbers in them.|
I was not able to memorize them. So when I sent a message and was asked for a recipient, I just remembered "No Nicolaitans".

And he replied!

I believe it was all Jesus!

And I am thankful that we have a God whose very wise indeed!!

HAHAHA..

Then as he was helping me, he posted that he was leaving the forum.
I got sad because it seemed as if he was very knowledgeable about Papa.
But not in a "I AM RIGHT YOU ARE WRONG, BEAR WITH IT.." kind of way.

I knew  have to do the search on my own.

I told  Bro Dan that I read his messages again, absorbing what he has shared with me in his previous answers and reminding myself of those, when  I saw that he invited me in another forum.
A sentence that I must have skipped on.

I remembered sending a message with the email I have received from the pastors that contacted.

Then Bro Dan said he recognized me when I registered on that new forum because of that email attachment I sent him  with my email address in it.
And to say that I was not even  sure I attached it in the first place!

This is all Jesus!

He is so faithful.

Waaah!

When I said goodbye to my former church, giving them a brief explanation of why I'll go, their replies were,

"It's okay. We still love you. You will not find a perfect church, you will always get offended and be convicted in churches.  We will be praying for you.  Celina, there is no perfect church. Even if there was, it will be imperfect once you get to join them. Now it's imperfect because you're there!

It is the grace of God that gives us understanding. We are not judging you.

We respect you. We will miss you. "

I think they don't get why I am leaving.

They think I am leaving because of the people there and that there is no perfect [sinless] church. I never intended that.

Plus I was not offended.
In fact, I was not offended and convicted ENOUGH.
All preaching were just an application to daily lives. Like some morality you can wear. It still loves the world. No separation.

Those were the times when my friends will  speak to me and they'll  make me feel like I need to rethink things.
 "Well, they are right, we should focus on love and unity more." 

And I will go home feeling better that day. Then after a while, I will be reading my bible and get convicted again, knowing I need to get out. Sound doctrine is a must. It is even required that all christians should study to show themselves approved of God, rightly dividing the word of truth.

I am afraid because they are sincere. But sincere does not mean they are right.

I am still shaking and scared. It looks as if I am the one stirring up divisions there. I just don't want to be a hypocrite.

And I don’t really get to talk about these things with my family. What do they know about spiritual warfare?
They might even think I need a shrink or something.

So, that sums up how my walk with the Lord has been.

Yes, I may have a harder and more difficult life, but I have never been full of joy, love and peace until I met Jesus.

I would not have it any other way. Never.



P.S.
I was baptized November 25, 2012, in an Independent Fundamental Bible-believing Baptist Church, one day before my birthday! :)